Under a Bar — iamclaudiahelena

Who would've known that I’d find my next phase of healing under a bar?

I don't mean hiding under a bar while everyone else is having shots and cocktails - although I’m sure that could be a pretty illuminating place.

I mean a barbell - my nemesis turned mentor.

Why nemesis you ask?
Let me tell you. My “fitness” journey had a rocky start at a 24hr gym when I was 15. I went because my doctor said I was overweight and I needed to exercise - nevermind the hormones part of things, but that’s a story for another time.
At the time, I went with one of my mom’s friends who, like me, didn't love the idea of fitness but had been told by a doctor that she had to exercise. We quickly found a solution - Zumba. It was the perfect way to go to the gym without having to do traditional gym stuff.
Where does the barbell fit into all of this?
Well, you see, I went to that gym for about 2 years and only once did I decide to venture into the free weights section. Imagine, a 16 year old, chubby scared girl with no idea of what to do with a barbell approaching a section filled with men bench pressing and squatting over 100 lbs - they all looked at me saying with their eyes, are you lost? They were right. I was absolutely lost and in my head I wrote off barbell related exercises forever.

Rookie mistake; but what more can you expect?

When I started working with athletes I soon understood that if I wanted to help them recover better I had to know what their training looked and felt like. I joined an internship that helped me understand the intricacies behind each training and exposed me to the barbell . I was 24-years old when I did my first barbell exercise ever - a back squat. I cannot explain to you the irrational fear of being crushed under that bar. I did it anyway, proving to myself that I could despite what I once thought.

Last December, I was doing an unsupervised box squat when I failed it, forward folded and had the barbell (loaded) roll off my neck. For a split second, I thought all of my irrational fears of being buried under a barbell had come true. I stayed off any kind of training for a while, one because I needed to heal and 2 because I was scared something like that would happen again.

And then came the CrossFit Open 2023. I was so sure I wasn't going to do it since I hadn't been training, I’m very new to Crossfit and had no idea what to expect. I was pretty sure it was only for super intense, super fit people. Instead of marking it off, I did what I should’ve done at 16 and approached a coach. After a really insightful conversation I said why not and decided to sign up.

Here’s what finally sold me.

It’s only a 3 workout commitment.
I could scale all the way to the basics.
It would be a bonding experience with the community.
It’s a celebration of your body and how incredible it is that we are able to move, adapt, overcome challenges physical or otherwise.

Here’s what I wasn't expecting and no one told me: the amount of healing that would come out of this experience.

First Phase. 23.1 - Foundations. Friday Night Lights.

The scaled workout was simple. Rowing, sit-ups, wall balls, cleans and push ups.

The setting was charged. I was nervous. People were watching. I went in with a game plan, the night before I took my dance skills and did a blocking practice of the workout. Fears came up.

What if I faint?

No worries, charge yourself up with breathwork. You’ll have so much energy that there’s no way you can faint.

What if I want to give up in the middle of the workout?

No worries, dance it off. You can do anything while dancing.

Oh shit! I haven't done a clean in a minute, how does it go again?

Dude, just ask someone to teach you.

I hyped myself so much to do it that I ended up having more energy that I knew what to do with. When the 14 minutes were over I thought to myself: That’s it? That can’t be it, that was too easy you can do more. So I waited a couple days and redid the workout. The second time around I did almost twice as good as the first time and I was so proud of myself. The rush of empowerment that I felt. The fact that I had done something that at first seemed so scary and I proved to myself that I could do it. I was in awe. I went to take a shower after my workout and cried tears of pride, that once again I had broken limiting beliefs by proving to myself that I am more than capable.

Second Phase. 23.2 - Scaled. Monday Blues.

The workout seemed daunting. Shuttle runs, burpees and a one rep max thruster.

The shuttle runs gave me nightmares of fainting during P.E. class in middle school. The thought of burpees made me gag. And the thruster brought all the fears of being buried under a barbell back.

I walked into the gym as if I was walking to my death, dragging my feet, head down. There was no breathwork that could get me out of this one. However, commitments are commitments and I had to get it done.

The timer goes off and I start. My only focus is staying alive, my body is moving on its own and my mind is on survival mode. Halfway through I can't breathe but my coach knows that I can do more so listen and I push. We’re closing the end and all I hear is “these are the moments that build character. You are strong and you’re almost there, push through.” For a split second amidst all of the chaos my world slowed down and a thought arose “build character? I don't need that. I’ve been tough. What I need is to soften.”

By the time it was all over my whole body was shaking. As I slowly started, coming back to it, it felt as if it had just undergone an attack. I was proud of myself because once again I had faced my fears and beat them, goodbye to the limiting beliefs that hold me back. But on the otherhand the teenager that had once walked into the free weights section full of fears was screaming what the fuck did you just do to us. The clash of the two sent me into an anxiety attack and I had to allow all of those emotions to flow through me. I didn’t realize how much healing my inner teenager needed.

Third Phase. 23.3. Foundations. The last dance.

After the attack on my nervous system, I knew I needed to end this journey on a soft note so I went back to foundations. The workout consisted of bear crawls, jumping jacks and snatches.

Once again, the barbell movement was threatening. And all the same fears of staying stuck under the bar came back but this time in a hushed tone.

“Clau, are you ready?”

“As ready as I’ll ever be. Let’s go.”

The results? A whole 12 minutes of laughter, banter and middle fingers.

The goal? Finish off, you’re only competing with yourself.

When I finished, I knew I could’ve done more. Sometimes just because you know you can doesn’t mean you should. My nervous system wouldn't have been able to handle another really intense workout as it was still processing from the one a week before. But I knew at the end of that timer that I am stronger than I give myself credit for. That next year I’ll go in stronger than this year and with less limiting beliefs. And lastly, like The Beatles said, I get by with a little help from my friends.

So my friends, I end this post saying that now more than ever I feel motivated to dance with the barbell. I look forward to the next phase in my movement journey. And I remind you, that sometimes the healing happens underneath the places you least expect.

With Love,

Claudia Helena.